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Allowing our Grandchildren to Find their Own Space….From the Tree

 

 

I recently found myself leafing through my dog-eared copy of Andrew Solomon's "Far From the Tree," a masterful book that illuminates the dynamics and challenges of children and family members who, because of identity choice or cognitive or physical differences, upend the intergenerational cliché "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

In the opening chapter, Solomon identifies two types of identity:

Vertical Identities: "Attributes and values are passed down from parent to child across the generations not only through strands of DNA but also through shared cultural norms."

Horizontal Identities: "May reflect recessive genes, random mutations, prenatal influences or values and preferences that a child does not share with his progenitors."

The dynamics of children's and grandchildren's horizontal identities can be especially complicated for grandparents. For some, our grandchildren's and our grandchildren's parents' choice of a religious/cultural identity that differs from ours can be seen as not only being far from the tree but from its roots as well.

In alluding to horizontal identities of our descendants, Solomon writes, "Insofar as our children resemble us, they are our most precious admirers, and insofar as they differ, they can be our most vehement detractors." When children distance themselves from their parents' and grandparents' traditions, some may feel that their core beliefs along with their dreams of legacy have been challenged or even shattered.

But Solomon also gives us an essential clue and path forward: "We must love them for themselves and not for the best of ourselves in them."

This is among the special gifts that grandparents can give their grandchildren. Jane Isay speaks of this in her lovely book "Unconditional Love: A Guide to Navigating the Joys andChallenges of Being a Grandparent Today." I find myself calling upon this excerpt from her book time and again:

"Stardust. Unconditional love is the magic bridge that spans the generations: we love them unconditionally, and they love us back without reservations. It's a two-way experience. It grows the children and gentles the grandparents."

I would rephrase Solomon's framing of embracing our children's and grandchildren's horizontal identities: "In accepting them unconditionally, we bring out the best in ourselves." To paraphrase Jane Isay, when we accept our grandchildren unconditionally, we open ourselves to new thinking and new ways of loving. In other words, we "gentle ourselves." As Solomon states, "All parenting (and I would add grandparenting) turns on a crucial question: to what extent parents should accept their children for who they are, and to what extent they should help them become their best selves."

 

 p.s. At a scene at a Chinese restaurant, that would be fitting in a Barry Levinson movie, my grandfather endorsed my decision to “go horizontal” in my Jewish identity (see – Pop Jacob, Pop Max and Won-Ton Soup). He did this with such warmth and grace that the moment remains fixed in my consciousness.


 

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