Five thousand years from now, a researcher of ancient manuscripts will be perusing the stacks of the Beinecke Library at Yale University and will uncover a frail yellowed document with simple, yet indecipherable pictograms. An expert in ancient English, he will struggle to read the words, seemingly meaningless; “Ikea, SNIGLAR Crib”. He will spend months, perhaps years, searching in vain to fathom its meaning. Carbon dating will be used to identify its origins. Engineers will gather from across the globe seeking to ponder its purpose. Religious scholars will determine that it is a relic of an ancient cult – perhaps sacred instructions to build a tabernacle to be carried by a nomadic people as they wandered through the desert.
Of course, we do not have to wait five thousand years for people to be mystified by Ikea instructions. In households around the world, recent college graduates, young couples, husbands and wives and new parents are arguing and hurling expletives along with assorted pieces of laminated pressed wood across the room as they seek to construct an AALANG, HAVSTA or MACKAPÄR. And just like here in Atlanta, in homes around the world, grandparents are struggling, often in vain, to assemble the wooden pieces and steel nuts and bolts of SNIGLAR into a crib for our visiting grandchild.
Ikea instructions are our modern-day Hieroglyphics. Unfortunately for future linguists, there will be no Rosetta Stone to help decipher their meaning.
“Some Assembly Required” is, perhaps, the three most dreaded words for grandparents and other mortals. Ikea and its Gordian Knot self-assembly furniture has elevated this agony to new heights but, as a multinational organization, it is not alone in this cabal. Installing the Evenflo Secure Step Metal Gate at the top of our stairs provided another soul-crushing exercise as I sought to ensure that latch gate A would be fully aligned with wall clamp B – something akin to docking the Space Shuttle with the International Space Station while blindfolded.
Of course, each of these grandparental construction tasks had the additional layer of fear/anxiety/apprehension; that is, of course, that Bina, the blessed granddaughter’s, safety is at stake. Thus, the thought of the four walls of the SNIGLAR crib collapsing while all are asleep in our home, or Bina surfing down the stairs atop the Evenflo Secure Step Metal Gate is enough to elevate the construction anxiety of these projects to new heights. “What if Assembly Bar A is not perfectly horizontal, or Latch Nob R7 does not exactly line up with Safety Dock N43? Our family’s future rests in my hands and in that of a Phillips-head screwdriver and a 3/8” Allen wrench (By the way, the Phillips head screwdriver is named after Henry Frank Phillips, an American businessman from Portland, Oregon. Is there a similar Allen out there to which we owe tool allegiance?).
These ruminations could go on indefinitely, However, alas, there are more construction projects that must be completed before Bina’s arrival. Electric drill, hammer, Phillips head screwdriver and Allen wrench in hand, I will head up the stairs armed and ready for another of the grandparental herculean trials.
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